Reviving my memes from 2020
Dear Grocery Girl
Dear Grocery Girl,
Just to be clear, I am stalking you. I’ve had my eye on you since you grabbed the last mini-cart in the parking lot.
Your mask dangles over your ear like some forgotten bra on the clothesline, left out in the rain. You have lipstick on. Lipstick! Who has worn lipstick since February? That shade of pink gives you away and I watch, pushing my cart two cart lengths behind, as you stop before the sliding doors to hang the other mask strap over your ear.
You make it through the gatekeeper, you know the lady at the door who has the worst shift: checking for masks on entry.
Then you do the unspeakable. Like some entitled seventh-grader sticking her gum under a desk, you shove that mask in your Kate Spade.
First of all, you clearly are not there to shop for your family. Your lipstick and speed-shopping show me you are on a mission, and no one is going to get in your way.
Second of all, I see you not once, but two times, scratching your nose.
What is so hard to understand about the importance of wearing a mask in public?
I follow you at least twelve feet behind, making sure not to touch the same items as you. I am not shopping for chardonnay anyway. You don’t even notice the elderly couple passing you on the other side of the aisle. They roll by slowly, and the woman looks back at you and shakes her head.
I try to imagine confronting you, but instead, I take out my phone, in one passive-aggressive minute, you have become a permanent meme for the narcissism, ignorance, and carelessness that plagues our country.
You probably won’t care because girl, you are Instagram-ready.
Next time, I’m going to make a scene.
Wear your mask!
Samantha Lazar sometime in 2020